The Secret to Living Successfully in Western Society

Love is Dead

Are you aghast?  Do you disapprove?  I am not asking forgiveness for it.  Why?  Because, if you look around, you will see that the time for love has past.  You may argue the case that there is room for the heart amongst us, but is there? 

Really? 

The secret to living successfully in this western society is not to empathise, nor to emote with anyone.  Emotions are dead, they are unwanted and are ungraceful. 

This is what our society seems to be instilling into us of late.  If you want success you need to be focused, persistent, determined.  These kinds of people don’t allow distractions to get in their way.  This thought occurred to me when I was laying in bed this morning, mulling over why one person has so much success over many others who are far more talented and in tune with the human psyche.  When I woke, it was as though someone had switched on my bedside lamp and it glared in my sore eyes.  I know why!

Let's compare my life to another psychotherapist.  Perhaps the meteoric rise of Lucy Beresford.  I was interested to know why this lady, out of all the psychotherapists  (including me!) I know (and I know a lot, as I promote them on my web site) was so much more extremely successful than most.  Obviously, how you rate success is up to you, but in this society, money seems to be the marker for it. 

When we look at the 'success' Lucy has had it is correct, she’s earned a tad more money than most, she's living in a beautiful house and has the world asking her opinion.  Yet, returning to the comparison between her and me - her education, lifestyle and age are so very similar to my own.  Like me, she worked in a different environment prior to several years re-training and, like me, she promotes her work through her writing and publishing. 

Is it her confidence?  Is it her style?  Her wealth?  Her connections?  After all, we've all heard the phrase "It's not what you know, but who you know ..."

Before I answer that question (and before I get to sounding vaguely like a tad jealous), let's take a peek at her background.  Prior to becoming a psychotherapist, she was in Investment Banking.  Now, if that’s not a logical-left-brained arena then tell me what is?  I, however, was in marketing and media - very creative industries.

Taking our minds off the subject of Lucy and I, cast your mind back and think about what the orderly Generals of World War One thought about the boys who sat in trenches.  As those young lads put pen to muddy paper to allow their feelings to be expressed in prose and poetry, what were they afraid of?  Many were shown NOT to be afraid of losing their lives or being wounded, but in not being able to support their families.  Many could take orders and face a bullet, heck they even joked about it.  But we cannot forget that they also were driven to the extremes of emotional turmoil.  And their anguish is vividly expressed in their poetry.

Given that there was so much poetry in WW1, how much of it came out of the Second World War?  I’ll grant you, books were compiled and films were made, but poems?  Not as many, nor as famous, as the previous catastrophe.

You may argue that this world is over-brimming with creativity, with music, song and dance, as well as prose and paintings.  I grant you that.  However, the room for emotion and empathy seems to be diminishing fast.  In this world it seems not to be wanted, needed, nor desired.

Why do I think this, when the likes of Emma Watson have only just appeared on a world stage promoting the advancement of feminism?  When a waif-like, beautiful, actress insists women will gain success when they express themselves through fighting for their ‘equality’ while urging grown men to cry, to get in touch with their ‘inner being’, why do I say that lack of emotion is the secret to life?

Think about it.

How many people do you know grasp success when they allow tears to fall?  Let’s stick with people in the public eye, if for one reason that they depict the image of success we are all supposed to look up to.  Take Gwyneth Paltrow as a first port of call.  When she received her Oscar, and allowed the emotional outburst take control of her, she was openly scorned.  Others have openly held back the tears, not to gain composure, but for fear of ridicule.  Of course, we’ve seen footballers and even firemen do it.  We’ve even seen politicians do it – Maggie Thatcher being the prime example when she was ousted from Office.  Madonna doesn't seem to have ever cried, in fact she's internationally known for her 'no-nonsense' frank attitude.  It was her determination and ability to think logically that got her to the top of the musically creative world.

There is such a thing as ‘overwhelming’ emotions.  ‘I don’t know what came over me’, when the person who had had the audacity to emote, looks back at images of themselves in tears.  They are embarrassed.  I’d even go as far as to say they are ashamed.  But those tears were used as a valve that the heart needed to express itself with. 

We think animals pictures like this, are cute. 

We look at a furry puppy and get the urge to take its huggable little furry body up in our arms and squeeze.  

Have you noticed how there are so many lists of things to do and not to do to make your life successful?    We can take one trawl of the morning’s columns of advice that are crammed with them: ’11 things about humans dogs hate’ (by the way, hugging is one of them), ‘5 things to do in bed with your lover’, ‘8 Gift Ideas for Christmas’, ’10 most dangerous cities in the world’, ‘8 sleeping positions and their effects on health’, ’30 things to tell a book snob’ … and so on and so on.  Have you noticed how they never actually work?  Chiefly because many people take note of them, read through them, smile and then promptly forget them.

If you can’t come to terms with this little open secret, simply take a look to the media and ask yourself this question: What do Maggie Thatcher (politician), Angelina Jolie (actress) and Lucy Beresford (psychotherapist) have in common? 

I’ll give you a clue:  Left-brained dominance.

In our heads we have two brains, linked by a ‘bridge’.  The two halves express our views differently.  The right side is where our creative juices flow thick and fast.  It is what allows us to think outside the box, to become the artist, the writer and even the fighter (there’s an art to boxing!).  However, our left brain is the compartment where we are encouraged to hone down our thoughts and focus on one particular thing at a time.  It is where emotion is barred entry. 

There is hope in the form of a little bridge that connects the two brains.  It’s called a ‘corpus collosum’.  When we are young, it’s a very big, thick bridge that bars entry from one side to the other in the majority of people.  This is why young people can be seen as either very emotional (like many girls) or very logical (like many boys). 

As we age, that organ between our brains diminishes, or becomes smaller.  This is why, when very left-brained people get older, they get more emotional.  And why very right-brained people, as they age, become less emotional.  Note, I didn’t say more logical!  It doesn’t mean that we cross over entirely, to the ‘other side’ but through its reduction in size, it simply allows us the benefit of empathising with ‘the other side’.

Returning to our people in the media spotlight, I’ll focus on two actresses that have gripped the imagination of the nation.  Having come to this conclusion that love is in its final death-throws and logic is alive and kicking-ass, I do see now, why women like Jennifer Anniston time and time again lose out to women like Angelina. 

 

Jennifer is a woman.  A right-brained individual who appeals to the male who wants a female.  However, he quickly finds out that he cannot cope with her rollercoaster of emotional needs that she expresses through her creative right-brain.  Jennifer seems to need to be appreciated, she seems to need to feel safe, she also seems to need to feel that she is liked by everyone, yet very much wants her privacy.  This seems to come across as ‘desperation’, but it in actual fact, it’s not. 

Her needs are just a small part of expressing her female-ness.  And, yes, this does hark back to pre-historic times.  Jennifer appeals to men because she has a woman’s body that appeals to their sight sensors.  She has all her curves in the right places and that innocent, ‘please don’t hurt me’ guise hanging around her demeanour. 

In relationship psychology, many know that men are guided first, by what they see, then by what they hear.

 

But what about Angelina?  Angelina has the beautiful body, the long hair, the long legs, the big boobs (artificial though they are) – just as Jennifer.  But, she has the additional ‘bonus’ of her no-nonsense, straight-talking, logic.  When you peer closely into her face and observe it carefully, though she is smiling, it seems a ‘practiced’ motion.  Her smile doesn’t seem to reach her eyes, which are more often than not staring straight into others eyes, which though can be misconstrued for confidence, reveals more of an acknowledgement of ‘this action must be done to gain approval’, rather than ‘please like me?’

Whereas Jennifer’s emotions are clearly visible on her face even though she tries to hide them, Angelina will not allow the mask to slip.

In Angelina, there appears to be no jealousy, no fear, no worry involved.  Also, there’s no emotional turmoil.  No thought of ‘am I good enough’?  It’s ‘I am great and alive and adored’ (note I said adored, not loved).

So, from these instances is it becoming clear that it’s not confidence that gives you success in this world, but logic.

It’s the left-brained people who get on to rise to the heady heights of success nowadays.  And if you don’t get that now, then you had better get off the rollercoaster. 

No one wants your emotional turmoil anymore.  No one is interested in the emotional needs.  No one wants to admit to crying or to feeling down.  You are an outcast when you express anything. 

Success is gained when you become straight-faced, straight-backed, expressionless zombie who cares not a jot about other’s way of life.

However - yes, there’s a ‘but’!  

Society is simply unable to function without the ‘female’ qualities.  For instance, how far can a psychotherapist go in the ‘feeling’ world without any empathy for their clients? 

When you look behind the mask of women like Angelina, Margaret Thatcher you can see that Angelina is supported strongly by her beau (Brad Pitt) and hoisted up on high because she conforms to the accepted society beauty, whereas Margaret Thatcher had her loyal side-kick who was prepared to stay in the shadows and support her come what may. 

Without these ‘feminine’ qualities alongside the ‘maleness’ there will be no balance.  Logic can take you so far.  It may have its good qualities, however, balance is what is needed. 

Therefore, I’m prepared to stick my neck out and mention another public figure.  One that has been derided, not because of his emotions, but because of his ‘outside the box’ views on life:  David Icke (DI)

 

David Icke (see those smiling eye-lines?) may have something going there when he talks about ‘infinite consciousness’ and human beings not being ‘human’ without acknowledging it.  He states that all these experiences in life have a way of telling us what virtues are prominent in our hearts.

When you think about it, he is right when he says that “all the great people that have moved humanity forward have been mavericks – rejected the norm of the time, took the abuse/consequences, but moved humanity on as a result”.  Maybe it isn’t the ‘norms’, that ‘go round in circles’, but those who do not express any kind of emotion.  Those who are unable, or unwilling to bend down and stop a while to think about what being human is all about.

So, in the words of DI,

1.    Recognise you are infinite awareness having an experience in a human form

2.    Don’t allow others to impose their views upon you

3.    Don’t seek to impose your will on anyone else

4.    Think from your heart, not your mind.  Let higher levels of awareness in.

5.    Intend that you want to make a difference, and contribute to the world as a place of love, compassion, integrity – make the emotional/energetic charge by ‘meaning’ what you say and things will change, coincidences will start to happen

6.    Observe the world from a distance, see how the dots connect

We have progressed as a species, but only because of people who were prepared to think outside the box, because of those who were inquisitive and believed there was ‘something else out there’. 

Anybody who has changed the world in any way shape or form, have put it down to being able to strive – logically - to create something different.  The Wright Brothers are a prime example.  Their aeroplanes were flying in the sky a whole FIVE YEARS before anyone would acknowledge they had been able to put a man in the sky. 

We should stop ‘policing others views’.  Even if they are ‘trolls’ who say nothing but bad about others.  We should just ignore them and leave them to their own games. 

You can think what you like but realise that those that you think about, have their views to.  Therefore, don’t impose anything on anyone else unless you’re prepared to accept their imposition upon you too. 

It’s easy to say to people ‘don’t do this’, or ‘do that’ instead, but it is down to each individual to begin to notice what is happening in the world.  We can advise others to get out there and grab life by the neck and give it a good shake, others can advise you to stand up and be counted, but if we are clouded by emotional turmoil that won’t happen any time soon.

It’s easy to advise someone to ‘take responsibility’ not only for what is going on in the world, but for what your life is like – but it’s quite another to actually come to terms with the fact that success is within our grasp only if we change our whole personality to achieve it.

There are solutions to getting this world back on track again.  Some have been suggested in my previous blogs, take a look now if you wish. 

As a psychotherapist, who (unfortunately, or not) does think with her emotions, I understand that people who emote are faced with the term ‘cognitive dissonance’.  It means that when we do something that we know we shouldn’t or don’t want to be doing, yet do it anyway, our emotions scream at us to do the opposite.  But if you want success in this world, and you’re an emotional being, then you’re going to have to get to grips with that.  Conforming to the logical requirements that this present society wants from you, and you’ll get what you want.  Allow emotions in and you’ll fail every time.

Put simpler, if you want monetary success in this world, be more like Dr Spock than Dr Who, and you’ll get on just fine!

Copyright © Kaye Bewley 2014