From Within ...

 

What does that mean?  When people say it’s ‘within’ you … or you have to change ‘within’.  Some of us go away with a message that makes no sense at all and so we go about our daily business and forget the message.  However, the message gets a little clearer when others give examples of what it really means to ‘go within’ to find what life is all about and, more importantly, what we’re supposed to do with it.  Two men, in particular, can show us what that means.  Mandela and Frankel. 

For an answer, we must first ask:

“What is the one big lesson that men like Nelson Mandela can teach us?” 

Even though we must not forget the fact that he did at one time in his life, end others lives, humanity is left with a gift that we can all learn from. 

When Mandela came out of prison, after spending all those long years in one horribly secure place for his crimes against humanity, he wasn’t bitter nor was he angry.  He didn’t reject the society that locked him up.  He came out with a message.  And that one message must have been going over and over in his mind through all those years he spent in that one place. 

Then there’s Victor Frankel, though often quoted, he’s not in the immediate thoughts of the world’s leaders and layperson’s alike.  Unlike Mandela, Frankel never harmed anyone.  His only crime that put him in a German concentration camp in WW2 was that he was a Jew.  Nevertheless, he suffered terrible agonies at the hands of cruel individual’s intent on his society’s destruction.    

Frankel also came out of that hell-hole with a message for mankind to learn from.  He didn’t come out of that place quoting “Oh, woe is me!” and feeling sorry for himself.  No.  While he was there watching others give up from hunger, disillusionment, anger, relinquishing hope and finally perishing from despair, Frankel turned his lessons into challenges.  From all that he witnessed, his understanding of life was changed and he gained a whole new understanding of the important things in life. 

Both Frankel and Mandela faced whatever they were feeling inside, all their nightmares, anxieties, anger, frustrations - and accepted them.  In facing those fears, they each found their challenges provided an opportunity.   An opportunity that burnished their spirits.  Before I reveal what that was, let me unearth a little of my own life …

When I was a child, at the age of about 7, 8 or 9, I used to say to dad, “I’m going out to play.”  He said that as long as I was back before dark, that’s ok.  So, I would go with my brother and sister – and all day long we would hide in the woods and play in our camp and make muddy-pies and enjoy pretending we were all on some big adventure.  We didn’t fear anything, we even walked across the barrier of a massive water dam for a dare!  We could have died, but we didn’t have any fear.  We were just happy being there, out in the open, free to enjoy the woodland’s secrets and being at one with nature.  It was like a whole other world with no boundaries and we could explore till our heart’s content. 

I don’t see many parents allowing their children to do that nowadays.  There doesn’t seem to be the freedom there once was.  Parents don’t seem to be able to allow their kids to disappear all day long, trusting them to come home for dinner.  Not at the ages of 7, 8 or 9 … There seems to be an underlying fear that some boogeyman will snatch them away.  And that’s a terrible, terrible shame. 

But when they become teenagers, parents have to learn to let their children go.  Because every child needs to learn to grow in their own way - plus a teenage rebellious spirit is a strong one that is hard to control. 

However, have you noticed that no one can control life?  A parent cannot control their child’s life all their life.  There are decisions a child has to make on their own.  A teacher cannot control what the student’s think or do or say.  Even when we go to work, our manager’s cannot control what we think or do.  They can train us to do a job in a certain way, using certain methods, but inevitably, we create our own methods of delivery.  

When you really think about this, there is only one thing you can control in life - and that is your own life.  Your own thoughts, words and deeds.

Sure, you can guide people, or people can guide you, people can teach people and show by ‘doing’ or living a good life as an example to others.

But your job is to deal with whatever happens to you.  It’s your job to control your own emotions and make your own choices. 

Sometimes life keeps on throwing choices on our path.  Some of the choices we make are not too good and present us with a challenge we never ever thought we’d have to deal with.

The thing is, life is a challenge.  And in those challenges, are opportunities.  Just like Mandela and Frankel made choices through the challenges they faced.

In the end, the only proper choice to make is to let things go.  To let life unfold and deal with the challenges as they come to you.  See a ‘challenge’ as a lesson.  See every person in your life or those who briefly cross your path during the day as a teacher.  

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve noticed that most of what we need to learn from life is right under our noses.

Mandela and Frankel must have, at some point, ranted and raved and were frustrated and frightened by events that were happening around them.  But in the end, each of these men learned through having to focus on what was in front of their noses. 

Deal with the challenge before you as a choice you made somewhere down the line and that this is an opportunity to grow.  Grow?  In what way?

Think of it this way.  Each person that comes into our life and relates to us in some way shape or form, provides you with a choice. 

That choice is in how you respond. 

If you think they are rude, how are you going to respond?

If you think they are threatening you, how are you going to respond?

Are you going to be rude back?

Are you going to threaten them?

Are you going to walk away from the situation and have it fester inside of you?

Or are you going to walk away and forget about it?

Or are you going to ask them – “What’s wrong?  Are you in pain?  Can I help?”

Do you see the choice you can make? 

Ask yourself the deeper question: “Is it about them?”

Or “Is it about me?”

“Why do I think they are being rude?” 

“Why are they threatening me?”

Or even, “Why do I think this way?” 

Think about that for a minute.

Perhaps the choice you need to think about here, is “How can I change my own response?”

The way to do this is to ask yourself “Where is the fear here?”

We all have them.

But we all seem to believe that the fear is ‘out there’ somewhere.

‘They’ are out to get ‘me’.

Ask: “Why am I afraid?”

There are a myriad of answers, some of which might be:

“She might show me up.”

“He might not like me.”

“My boss is going to sack me.”

“My husband is going to divorce me.”

“My children are going to leave me.”

“My father is going to die.”

“They’ll take my home away then I’ll have to live on the street.”

“No one will give me money, so I can’t buy food to eat.”

Do you begin to understand?

It is not about them. 

It’s about you.

Fears are about being afraid of something or someone else doing something to you or taking something from you.  Thereby, causing you to be upset with the situation or person that you cannot control. 

Back to that control thing again.

The answer to this is to find courage. 

There’s that saying “What’s the worst that could happen?”

Then there’s those jokes that go around predicting the worst that could happen.  But you don’t want that to happen, so you don’t say it.  But say it anyway, predict the worst that could happen and accept that situation – go with it.  Accept that you are frightened of that situation or person.

If you do, the fear will vanish. 

So, think of every little challenge that comes your way as an opportunity to learn a lesson.  Then when that lesson is learned, bring on the next one.  If you concentrate on protecting yourself from embarrassment, hate, anger or harm from someone else’s response - you cannot be a better person.  If you focus on others – and ask how you can help - you will.

Ask yourself “Why do I do/say these things?”  “Why do I get angry?”  “Why am I frightened?” 

Your mind won’t give you the truth, but your heart will. 

Your mind will tell you “But I’m honest, I’m hardworking, I’m a good person …”  Those thoughts will only uphold the bitterness inside.  They will only justify why you do/say things to others. 

If you search inside – not your mind – but your heart, the true answer will come. 

Life might be horrible.  You might say that you are a loser in this game of life. 

That’s not the point.

Don’t say ‘I can’t.  I heard an army Sergeant once say to a soldier:

“CAN’T!  THERE’S NO SUCH THINGS AS CAN’T!  CAN’T MEANS YOU WON’T.  WON’T MEANS GO TO FU**IN’ JAIL!” 

Let go of the things around you.  Let go of wanting to be liked, wanted, needed, loved.  Instead – give it.  Grow.  Instead of using hate, anger, anxiety, worry as a lesson - use love.

Love?  That’s a big lame, isn’t it?

You try it.  Try to care for someone who’s shouting abuse at you.  Try to smile from the heart when someone in front of you at the till is taking their time and you’re in a hurry.  Try to speak kindly to a mother who’s annoying the hell out of you.  Try to understand a child (or a dog) when they’ve done something that you think is naughty.   Try to forgive someone who has tortured your body, soul and spirit – not only yours, but those who you have loved or do love. 

Being kind, being thoughtful, being considerate, being thankful - it’s most certainly not a weakness. 

It takes strength.  It takes guts.  But most of all, it takes courage. 

Both Frankel and Mandela used their opportunities to make a choice.  Instead of using hatred, anger, frustrations they faced during their time in imprisonment, they chose to grow.  They chose to face their fears - horrible tortuous fears they faced daily at the hands of others who they could not control.  They chose to use the challenges presented to them as opportunities.   Opportunities that burnished their spirits – and helped them to grow their hearts with peace, understanding and, most of all, forgiveness. 

In a nutshell: love.

Inspired by Tom Campbell’s ‘My Big TOE’ (Theory of Everything)

Kaye Bewley www.BewleyTherapy.com